I SAW THE QUEEN! THE ACTUAL, LIVING BREATHING QUEEN! Well I saw her ankle when she got out of the car in the main arena, but it still counts!

So did you all watch the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony too? Woof, what a wonderful show it was. The singing, the dancing, the chairs, the kilts; it couldn’t have been more Scottish if Frankie Boyle had stabbed Nessie in the throat with a slice of deep-fried shortcake.

Mind, I missed most of it because I was working very hard; my absolute favourite thing. On the Tuesday we started our shift in Winchburgh, although they must have not told the Desk Sergeant because there weren’t any. Desks, I mean.

Then we nashed it to every treble nine call for the next 14 hours because most of the force were made to stand guard outside empty buildings.

And then we went to Fettes for breakfast but when we got there at two in the morning there was no food and we were then despatched to a treble nine call in Pollokshields, where another three police vans had been sent at the same time! thank dog we have lots of resources to spare! I was so excited to see everyone that I piddled on Sarge’s boots; the ultimate compliment.

But we made it to the Glasgow arena in time phew. Everyone was talking about a virus in the athletes’ village and how the weightlifters would have to be  careful not to shart – must be a technical term – but at that point I was sent to “sniff out terrorists” by one of the bosses. I love tasks like that; the vaguer the better.

And then afterwards all the police bosses gathered together to give each other a pat on the back (mutual master baton society Sarge called it later and everybody laughed, but I couldn’t see the baton anywhere so I’m not sure what that meant).

Boss1 said it had all happened without a hitch thanks to him personally and how he was expecting a commendation or an OBE. (What’s that then? One Bark is Enough? Otto the Biscuit Eater? Dog knows).

But it was a smashing Games in the end. Well, there was an attempted assault of one of the Tongan weightlifters by a yoof; I saw him getting taken into custody looking a wee bit surprised and crumpled. But there were no actual disasters or catastrophes.

Unless you count the Scotland team’s uniforms. Thank dog I’m colourblind.

Next week: Otto sniffs a suspicious package