I SAW THE QUEEN! THE ACTUAL, LIVING BREATHING QUEEN! It was very brief, if I’m completely honest with you (I saw her ankle when she got out of the car), but it still counts!

So did you all watch the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony too? Gosh, what a wonderful show it was. The singing, the dancing, the chairs, the kilts; it couldn’t have been more Scottish if Frankie Boyle had been stabbed with a slice of deep-fried shortcake. Although I did take issue with some of the Scottie dogs who simply refused to walk out in front of their team and had to be carried – letting the side down rather, I thought.

But I was busy most of the time working. On Tuesday we were scheduled to start our shifts in Winchburgh, although in the end we had to move because there were just three desks in a large, otherwise empty office. So we were sent to Livingston for breakfast but when we got there at two in the morning there was no food and we were then despatched to a 999 call in Niddrie, together with three other police vans for some reason. Thank Benji we have lots of resources to spare!

But we made it to Glasgow in time thank Lassie. Everyone was talking about a virus in the athletes’ village and how the weightlifters would have to be  careful not to shart – must be a technical term – but at that point I was sent to “sniff out terrorists” by one of the bosses. I love tasks like that; the vaguer the better.

And then afterwards when all the police bosses gathered together to give each other a pat on the back (mutual master baton society -?- the Sergeant called it later and everybody laughed, but I couldn’t see the baton anywhere so I’m not sure what that meant). Boss 1 said to Boss 2 how it had all happened without a hitch thanks to them personally and how they were expecting commendations for it, or possibly an OBE. Other Bugger’s Efforts, my Sergeant said later.

And now the ceremony is all over I’m going to sleep for a bit. My shift turned out to be 35 hours long in the end, although there is no overtime but that’s ok, I love working for free.

But Boss 1 was right: it did all go off without a hitch. Well, there was some drunkenness and theft in the park, and an attempted assault of one of the Tongan weightlifters by a rather surprised and crumpled youth. But there were no disasters or catastrophes (unless you count the Scotland team’s uniforms, thank god I’m colourblind), and I’m sure that’s all down to the bosses.

Next week: Otto sniffs a suspicious package