Imagine: you are a single, straight, middle-aged woman and you’re dipping back into the dating pool after a long hiatus. Now, I know I’m an alien who happens to be on this planet in the skinsuit of a single, straight, middle-aged woman, but go with me here.

OK, so what, you ask yourself, can you expect from said pool-dipping? Well, I’m always up for a laugh so I dedicated some time to checking out the different dating pools in my area (good lord) and “swiping right” as you monkeys call it. And after dipping, wading and splashing about for a bit, I noticed a thing or two about the age-appropriate men paddling about in my vicinity. Especially during the very early stages of dating them. 

Now, you have to admit that human women are no angels either (hey, when I’m pre-triplegluonic I can get a bit tetchy too, so I get it sister). And of course not every date was a car crash. But I’m curious. Is this normal..?

• He never really asks you about yourself except ‘how are you’ with no follow up. If he does ask you anything, it will only be so he can flatter you briefly after which he will turn the focus back on himself. I cannot stress enough how often this happens.
• So you find yourself carrying the conversation, as he just waits for further questions and prompts from you. Weird: It’s almost as if it’s all about him and how you make him feel about himself. But that would be ridiculous.
• After he’s spent the evening talking about himself, he’ll say he thinks you’re interesting. 
• OR you get the less common opposite: an emotionally-crippled, self-effacing piece of human wreckage whose confidence you spend the entire date trying to prop up. (Notice that it’s still all about him though.) 
• He does the ‘test and apologize’ move very early on: he’ll say or do something inappropriately sexual to see how far he can go and then apologize with “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.” (Which, by the way, also shows you he’s not that interested in a relationship.)
• The following has, bizarrely, happened a few times: in the early stages, he will brag about the many interesting women he’s been with. He may even send you a photo of one or two. Or he’ll tell you what amazing sex he had with them (one guy actually said he was worried about sleeping with anyone again after his ex because she was so incredible in bed). I can only think they do this because you’re supposed to want to compete with that ex and all those women?
• That same man will brag about his abilities in bed. From saying she cried with gratitude to saying that once he gets any woman into bed he’s “got her hook line and sinker”. Again, I am not sure what this is supposed to achieve, but coming from a planet where orgasms literally change your skin colour, I can only feel sorry for the guy. 
• If he messages you infrequently, only on weekdays during work hours or very late at night, it means he’s married or has a long term partner. No exceptions.
• If you ask him about this and he fesses up, he will tell you his wife stopped having sex with him a year ago or is a menopausal bitch or got unreasonably out of shape after the birth of their kids or – if he’s really desperate – he’ll tell you he’s falling in love with you. (My advice? Confess your ardent, everlasting love for him and watch him disappear faster than a photon in a Positronic Logicator.)
• From his life history it seems that he has never been without a woman of one sort or another for any length of time. Coincidentally, he has also never been in therapy, or he bailed after 2 sessions, but hoo boy… he has issues. He despises his father and worships/fears his mother, or vice versa, but is completely unaware of it. (Hey, I get it man. We descended from Blue Fermions, so you can imagine how busy our therapists are!)
• OR he was in intense therapy after his last break-up because he’s on a journey of self-discovery and he has now attained near-buddhist levels of emotional intelligence. Which means he now knows he has mommy issues but doesn’t see what that has to do with anything and anyway he unloaded the dishwasher only last week.
• This is also quite common: He will go out of his way on the first or second date to tell you that he usually likes one particular type of woman (curvy or slim, blonde or brunette, pixie or long hair, doesn’t matter) when you are the literal opposite of that ideal – but he still comes on strong. Is that supposed to make me feel grateful or special? Or is he saying he’s so horny he’ll overlook your hideous exterior? (Granted, it’s not exactly Playmate Paradise under my skinsuit…)
• If he is indiscreet about his exes and isn’t friendly with any of them, do point this out to him and see how he reacts. 
• He only pays for the very first date but not often after that. This is not because he respects your feminist independence, but because he is one of the following: broke, tight, or married and doesn’t want it to go on a credit card receipt. He may even say he’s been burned before by “gold-diggers” (this from a guy who had no discernible gold to be dug). 
• He’s great at suggesting meet-ups but has no ability to make an actual plan. Also, and much more damningly, he’s often late for when you do have a date. (They’re lucky that pan-dimensional licensing laws don’t allow me to carry my Instant-Kidney-Smoothie-Maker on this planet, because nonchalantly rocking up 20 minutes late to a pre-arranged meeting boils my piss like nothing else. Just saying.)
• Quite common among my age group: good-old subconscious sexism. He’ll say things like: “Not all men”, “Women are too picky”, or “I used to help her all the time with the housework / childcare.” Or he will talk at length about your profession or area of expertise because he once did a semester at uni. Which, if you’re a Boson-Chaos Engineer like me is actually hilarious but anyway. Twats gonna twat. 
• And last but not least: If you are wearing nice underwear and you’re plucked, preened, waxed and looking great (I mean, for a human) and then end up in bed with a man, somehow he’ll still think HE made the evening happen. Aw, sweetie.

No doubt I’m being harsh. And everyone knows the apps are the scorched hellscape of Satan’s bleached anus. Plus it’s abundantly clear from the above that I have a couple of issues of my own. (Before you ask, yes I’m in therapy, yes I know I have mater issues, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything and anyway I unloaded the dishwasher only last week.)

I feel sorry for my next date. A bit. 😉

POSTSCRIPT: I highly recommend Jennie Young’s Burned Haystack Dating Method on insta, fb or substack (https://www.instagram.com/word_case_scenario/) (https://www.facebook.com/groups/9116647515019601). Good lord, the stories from women in the comments alone… which for clarity, is where a few of the above examples came from. (I know, I know, I lied in the intro but this is a blog about an alien called Ottovegachelvara, so presumably your disbelief is already hanging by a thread).