Did you know that:
Police Scotland is the youngest police force in the UK and the second-largest after the Met.
Every police force in the UK has a motto, some stupider than others: Total Policing (not partial), Altogether Better Policing (…than what?), Be Safe Feel Safe (aww), Our Priority is You (I should hope so).
Phrases like Forward Command Base, Operational Hub or Tactical Firearms Command, make most cops – senior cops especially – very happy, excited and ever so slightly aggressive all at once. For me, the phrase that does that is “Would Otto like a biscuit?” Just writing that and I’ve started drooling.
The UK’s police alphabet goes Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf, Hotel, Indigo, Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike, November, OTTO, Papa, Quebec, Romeo, Sierra, Tango, Uniform, Victor, Whisky, XRay, Yankee, Zulu. The O is Otto. Not Oscar. I don’t know who he is. [That’s simply not true, Otto – Ed.]
Police officers pay around 14% of their salaries into their pensions. I know everyone bangs on about public sector pensions as being so bloody marvellous, but then again perhaps it makes up for all the times cops get bitten, punched, shot at or left high and dry by the Federation. #justsaying
Police dogs can be trained to sniff out anything. A-ny-thing. Drugs, weapons, cash, cadavers, felons, bombs, memory sticks, arson accelerants, anything. Just don’t even bother trying, we’ll find it.
Detective Chief Inspectors do NOT generally solve whodunnit murders all on their own or, at most, followed by a moronic Sergeant whose naive questions lead the opera-loving, crossword-solving, malt whisky-swilling DCI to the right culprit. Morse Schmorse. [This is just such a crock, Otto, you know you love the series – Ed.]
On a similar theme, if a little old lady – no matter how perceptive – were to walk into a murder incident room muttering something about “The lamp was all wrong” or “Her nails were bitten”, she would be escorted, calmly but firmly, towards the nearest exit. Oh and by the way, Joan Hickson was the best. By far.