Good morning good morning good morning! Is everyone wonderfully splendiferously gorgeous, I trust? Gosh, this is my first ever post; I’m a little nervous. No one has EVER asked for my opinion, EVER! Truly an honour.

Where to begin? The trouble with having an audience with such a short life-expectancy as humans (a CENTURY! Good lord, honestly, I had to laugh in disbelief. Managed to pass it off as a small earth tremor. Blamed it on the fracking) is that the beginning is so very long ago that it won’t make much sense to you.

One thing I know you’ve all heard of is the Battle of Hastings. You know, 1066, William the Conquerer annihilates pretty much the majority of England’s governing classes in a field in East Sussex. Well, that field was me! And let me tell you, having a ruddy great battle fought on your very person is no way to wake up at the crack of dawn. No morning chorus, no how-d’you-do, just a lot of yelling. How rude. As though they owned the place…

Well my short-lived little darlings, I’ve been asked by the Continental Shelf to keep it short, so I shall bid you all goodday. Anon, adieu, a-bye!

Next week: Precambrian or Cenozoic – which had the best fashion sense?